Short Scary Story

what's wrong with cliches? Okay, yeah its cliche but that doesn't mean its terrible, or bad. I think everyone starts out writing cliches because that's what makes sense. Yes, this could use work but it's not terrible.

There's a difference between constructive criticism and being a jerk. This isn't below average, it's a good story once you get past the choppy sentences and a few other things listed above. It's a great plotline, and if it's revised and fixed it would definitely be one of my favorite short stories. The ending perhaps can be a little less confusing and cleared up, but overall it's good. If this is below average, you must have high standards.

 

It was school homework and had to be cliche so yeah. But thank you for your feedback. If you have any suggestions on another story I'd love to hear it .

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 10, 2016, Original Post Date: Feb 10, 2016 ---

And also I'm not in an American school

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 10, 2016 ---

Thank you for showing some love

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 10, 2016 ---

Thank you

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 10, 2016 ---

Again guys this was a school project that restricted me to one page. I'm going to re-write this by Monday, fixing all my mistakes and taking in your suggestions, as well as making it longer and more detailed. Thank you to everyone who left nice comments and suggestions <3

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 10, 2016 ---

No one said you had to read it either, if you don't want to read it, why'd you click on it in the first place?

 

There's a better way to write short sentences without sounding choppy, you don't want to cut a thought you just want to shorten it. Look :

The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing has they jumped into the icy blue water.

You can shorten it in two ways:
The energetic boys laughed. They jumped into water.
The energetic boys laughed when they jumped into water.

Both are pretty much the same sentence, they're both short except the first is pretty choppy. Once you get your story flowing and make it stop sounding choppy I believe you can write some pretty powerful pieces, good luck and keep writing!

 

Short senteces for suspense

 

If I am TBH I didn't bother reading the whole thing sorry but I want to live in the haunted house in the woods, from the start it looked good! gimmi more

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 11, 2016, Original Post Date: Feb 11, 2016 ---

TBH I like The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing as they jumped into the icy blue water, it lets me make an image of what is or might be happening and is more discriptive

 

Apparently you.

 

You can create suspense in better ways than that

Yeah I like it better too, but if you're going for a short word count or sentences, that's what you'd go for