someone deleted my post by accident again so here it is:
I remember vividly the first time I played Meepcraft. That was back when I was 12 or 13 or so. Now I'm 23. I definitely peaked in life when I got mod rank on Meep. I got such an immense power rush banning noobs for saying the L word. Ahhaha, those were the good old days. I remember the nostalgia of using Vshop, advertising in all caps, and building a town only for it to fall the next day because you don't know how to deposit money in the bank. Man life was so good back then when I could spend 10 hours moderating the low rank citizens with my boot of power. That was good wholesome fun.
Well anyways nowadays, I am just getting by. I have more debt than I can pay off in my lifetime and I'm addicted to ketamine and morphine. They say you can't re-use needles because of AIDs/HIV but I know that's just what the government wants you to think. You can actually flame sterilize the needle until it's red-hot with a lighter (or even better throw it in a pressure cooker for 90 minutes at 15 PSI). Then BAM once it's cooled down, it's ready for your second injection. I mean I know I'm addicted and all, but if I wanted to, I know that I could stop. I actually met God a few times. If you want to meet God too, you'll first need to find a McDonalds with an adequate bathroom. Then you'll need yourself some morphine (none of that bunk sh*t!), I mean the good stuff, and a bit of ketamine. Lay out your ket on the ground in a nice line, and prepare to boof-scoot it Next, prepare your morphine. Remember to flame sterilize OR pressure sterilize your needle (I've forgotten a few times but I was OK... i think). Now inject 30% of the LD50 for your body weight. They SAY that the LD50 is the amount that will kill you, but it's more of a suggestion ya know. You'll guaranteed meet God this way 50% of the time. Now it's my turn to tell you about how I met God. It was my 3rd time in the McDonalds bathroom that morning and I was down to the last bottle of morphine solution. Well to make a long story short, I messed up the dose and accidentally did 12 syringes full of the stuff instead of 3. I was rocketed out of my body into outer space. I was slingshotted around the Sun towards Mercury. I landed on its surface and it was really hot, but it was ok because I had a space suit. I said "hey, it's fuckin hot here mate!" and a heavy presence responded to me in a warm gentle voice, "yeah, no shit you fucking retard." I knew it had to be God. He blasted me off and sent me to Venus (which no, girls do not go to). I entered Venus' atmosphere and went through the thick clouds. When I landed on the surface, I said to the presence, "Hey man, it's even hotter here." God responded, "Yeah. This is what will happen to Earth if you dumb shits don't take care of it. Everyone expected me to do miracles, but have you ever considered that the sheer fact scientists exist?" I responded coyly, "I'm only a morphine addict man; there is nothing I can do."
"NO!" God said, "you're a fucking prophet. I was the one who gave you that morphine at the hospital after the car accident. I knew you would get addicted to it and end up on the streets with debt you cant pay. I knew that those very specific conditions would lead you to this McDonalds in this bathroom stall with this morphine and this ketamine. Who do you think taught you about flame sterilizing needles with a lighter? I did that to protect you that way you wouldn't die from AIDS. People say 'God works in mysterious ways,' but they don't understand the magnitude of what that means. I created drugs, to create an interface between man and God before death and you know what these fucking so-called Christians are doing? They're saying stuff like 'ohhh, drugs are bad for you' or 'ohhh, drugs are sinful.' And, you know what? Maybe they are. But WHO fucking cares. I'm God for fucks sake. I'm an omnipotent, omniscient and all loving God. And you know what I think about the homosexuals? I love them. I threw that shit in the bible as a joke to see if anyone would actually question why the believe what they believe. These are the true tests of faith. Love thy neighbor as thyself."
"Dude, you seem pretty heated about this. Can we come back to back to this monologue in a bit? I want to see the other planets before I go. There is about 15 Earth minutes left before the ambulance gets here."
"Yeah. That's aight. You already know Earth, so we'll skip to Mars."
Once again, I was shot straight through Venus' atmosphere back into outer space. I flew past our beautiful blue planet with a deeper understanding of the true beauty of nature. And while I understand that humans are also a part of nature, we need to take care of the Mother that brought us into existence. I landed on Mars hard and fast It was a dry and barren place. The sandstorms were immense and would wipe me out if I weren't off my ass high on ketamine and morphine. It didn't feel like a suitable home for humans. Why aren't we happy with the heaven that we are given on Earth?
"You still here?"
"Me? Yeah of course."
"No, I mean the reader. Are you still here?"
"What do you mean? Someone is reading this?"
"Yeah dude, I'm omniscient. I know when someone is reading me."
"Ok, but that brings up an obvious question. Why would you ask if you're 'omniscient' and 'already know' everything?"
"Uhmm.. yeah I guess that's a good point. It's a rhetorical question."
"Ok... whatever. We gotta hurry up with this planet viewing shit. This 'reader' is gonna get bored of all this dialogue."
I got a slap on the ass for that last comment. I honestly couldn't tell you if it was a punishment or a sexual thing. The slap was so hard that it launched me all the way to Jupiter (and no, boys don't go here). I was accelerating through Jupiter's atmosphere. The pressure rose quickly as I got closer towards the center. I could see a landscape with mountains? No, those are waves. I plummeted into the ocean of hydrogren. But wait... I can't swim! Somehow I could scream though.
"GOD! I CAN'T SWIM! HELP!"
"lmao fucking noob. Try now?"
"Oh what the fuck? I can swim now?"
"Yeah dude. I'm omnipotent. That means I can do whatever I want. Unfortunately this doesn't really make for a good plotline. Ever wonder why Christian movies are boring?"
"No. I don't really watch them to be honest."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S A RHETORICAL QUESTION. WE'RE GOING TO SATURN. NOW!"
Yeah Saturn was cool I guess. I don't really have much to say about it. I suppose what I really want to see is Uranus.
When we finally arrived at Uranus, I asked God if we could go in to see it. I don't remember what he said but it was "something something marriage."I don't really understand how I'm not allowed to visit Uranus if I'm not married? I guess perhaps he misinterpreted my question. I was definitely starting to doubt this so-called omniscience at this point. I digress.
"Now for the last planet, Neptune."
"Wow, Nepune is really pretty but what about Pluto?"
"That's not a planet you fucking retard."
"God, you don't seem so loving."
He stopped responding to me at this point, and I think I was starting to come back to reality. I could feel myself back in the atmosphere, with possible drops of Jupiter in my hair. I woke up in a hospital bed and they told me how I was found in the Bathroom of McDonalds overdosed on morphine. The doctor said it was a miracle that I was still alive. I knew that it was God who saved me. I knew now that I could save Earth from destruction, but only if I get accepted for helper on Earth's #1 towny and economy server for the second time.
God bless Meepcraft.
