Short Scary Story

Dockson

Honestly? I thought it was decent.

People saying it was a cliché, no character development, short sentences...

It accomplished your intention just about well. You don't care about characters in a short story. Emotionally binding to a character is a long process, there is absolutely no need here to describe the boys, they are just a 'tool' used to develop the story.

Short sentences - again. It fits great. You don't want to have long, elaborate sentences in an action filled scene. Text writing 101. You want them short, precise. It gradates the situation - perfect.

You had a couple typos {too - to}, tenses didn't match {you started a paragraph in the past tense, used present tense in the middle}.

But overall, decent. Really liked it :)

Joe22FTW

The truth doesn't always hurt. Looks like you've already accepted it.
~ @Torchic

Ooooh big guy ryt here

Metzy

o you're on to something, but it was VERY cliche
~ @Torchic

what's wrong with cliches? Okay, yeah its cliche but that doesn't mean its terrible, or bad. I think everyone starts out writing cliches because that's what makes sense. Yes, this could use work but it's not terrible.

Sorry to break it to you kid, but this is below average.
~ @Torchic

There's a difference between constructive criticism and being a jerk. This isn't below average, it's a good story once you get past the choppy sentences and a few other things listed above. It's a great plotline, and if it's revised and fixed it would definitely be one of my favorite short stories. The ending perhaps can be a little less confusing and cleared up, but overall it's good. If this is below average, you must have high standards.

Torchic

what's wrong with cliches? Okay, yeah its cliche but that doesn't mean its terrible, or bad. I think everyone starts out writing cliches because that's what makes sense. Yes, this could use work but it's not terrible.
There's a difference between constructive criticism and being a jerk. This isn't below average, it's a good story once you get past the choppy sentences and a few other things listed above. It's a great plotline, and if it's revised and fixed it would definitely be one of my favorite short stories. The ending perhaps can be a little less confusing and cleared up, but overall it's good. If this is below average, you must have high standards.
~ @Metzy

Still sugarcoating.

I didn't realize that rewriting the same stale plotline was considered good work. You are obviously not a reader of short stories; this is nothing compared to most things I read. Just google horror short stories and you'll find things with actual imagination and make up.

He has potential, just needs to find inspiration, draw it from somewhere. Although with American schools I'm sure his teacher will think its outstanding

anikin ultimate

Ehh, not true.
Sorry to break it to you kid, but this is below average. Not for your age -- honestly I'd expect a few uncoordinated paragraphs -- so you're on to something, but it was VERY cliche. As you advance in the school system, you'll get better at writing -- but the plot needs to be something different, that no one has ever really done. Look at the world around you, read people's actual experiences -- and you'll come up with something.
Try something about weird noises coming from the sky being heard in various places around the world, or a TV interruption with a very weird messages. Try not to use haunted houses, cemetaries, or thunderstorms. In fact, try the day as a settingif you want a challenge.
You're an idiot, spell "scientifically" right in your worthless signature if you want your opinion to be worth something, you big baby.
tldr; People here are sugarcoating. This comment is the most realistic one here. Your grammar wasn't perfect, but the boring, overused plotline was the only real issue. Keep getting at it.
~ @Torchic

It was school homework and had to be cliche so yeah. But thank you for your feedback. If you have any suggestions on another story I'd love to hear it :).

Still sugarcoating.
I didn't realize that rewriting the same stale plotline was considered good work. You are obviously not a reader of short stories; this is nothing compared to most things I read. Just google horror short stories and you'll find things with actual imagination and make up.
He has potential, just needs to find inspiration, draw it from somewhere. Although with American schools I'm sure his teacher will think its outstanding
~ @Torchic

And also I'm not in an American school

what's wrong with cliches? Okay, yeah its cliche but that doesn't mean its terrible, or bad. I think everyone starts out writing cliches because that's what makes sense. Yes, this could use work but it's not terrible.
There's a difference between constructive criticism and being a jerk. This isn't below average, it's a good story once you get past the choppy sentences and a few other things listed above. It's a great plotline, and if it's revised and fixed it would definitely be one of my favorite short stories. The ending perhaps can be a little less confusing and cleared up, but overall it's good. If this is below average, you must have high standards.
~ @Metzy

Thank you for showing some love :)

Honestly? I thought it was decent.
People saying it was a cliché, no character development, short sentences...
It accomplished your intention just about well. You don't care about characters in a short story. Emotionally binding to a character is a long process, there is absolutely no need here to describe the boys, they are just a 'tool' used to develop the story.
Short sentences - again. It fits great. You don't want to have long, elaborate sentences in an action filled scene. Text writing 101. You want them short, precise. It gradates the situation - perfect.
You had a couple typos {too - to}, tenses didn't match {you started a paragraph in the past tense, used present tense in the middle}.
But overall, decent. Really liked it :)
~ @Dockson

Thank youAgain guys this was a school project that restricted me to one page. I'm going to re-write this by Monday, fixing all my mistakes and taking in your suggestions, as well as making it longer and more detailed. Thank you to everyone who left nice comments and suggestions :)

Lmao who actually bothered reading this
~ @Joe22FTW

No one said you had to read it either, if you don't want to read it, why'd you click on it in the first place?

legendcaleb

There's a better way to write short sentences without sounding choppy, you don't want to cut a thought you just want to shorten it. Look :

The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing has they jumped into the icy blue water.

You can shorten it in two ways:
The energetic boys laughed. They jumped into water.
The energetic boys laughed when they jumped into water.

Both are pretty much the same sentence, they're both short except the first is pretty choppy. Once you get your story flowing and make it stop sounding choppy I believe you can write some pretty powerful pieces, good luck and keep writing! (:

anikin ultimate

There's a better way to write short sentences without sounding choppy, you don't want to cut a thought you just want to shorten it. Look :
The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing has they jumped into the icy blue water.

You can shorten it in two ways:
The energetic boys laughed. They jumped into water.
The energetic boys laughed when they jumped into water.

Both are pretty much the same sentence, they're both short except the first is pretty choppy. Once you get your story flowing and make it stop sounding choppy I believe you can write some pretty powerful pieces, good luck and keep writing! :)

~ @legendcaleb

Short senteces for suspense

TechnoTyson

If I am TBH I didn't bother reading the whole thing sorry but I want to live in the haunted house in the woods, from the start it looked good! gimmi more

There's a better way to write short sentences without sounding choppy, you don't want to cut a thought you just want to shorten it. Look :
The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing has they jumped into the icy blue water.

You can shorten it in two ways:
The energetic boys laughed. They jumped into water.
The energetic boys laughed when they jumped into water.

Both are pretty much the same sentence, they're both short except the first is pretty choppy. Once you get your story flowing and make it stop sounding choppy I believe you can write some pretty powerful pieces, good luck and keep writing! :)

~ @legendcaleb

TBH I like The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing as they jumped into the icy blue water, it lets me make an image of what is or might be happening and is more discriptive

cooey

Lmao who actually bothered reading this
~ @Joe22FTW

Apparently you.

legendcaleb

Short senteces for suspense
~ @anikin ultimate

You can create suspense in better ways than that

If I am TBH I didn't bother reading the whole thing sorry but I want to live in the haunted house in the woods, from the start it looked good! gimmi more
TBH I like The energetic boys jumped and squealed, laughing as they jumped into the icy blue water, it lets me make an image of what is or might be happening and is more discriptive
~ @TechnoTyson

Yeah I like it better too, but if you're going for a short word count or sentences, that's what you'd go for

« Previous Page